Disappointment

We all have had it. Let's face it - it's there. That void which sits at the pit of your stomach and slowly creeps to the surface? Yeah, that one. Where you start to cry uncontrollably. This is true about a lot of things, but when it comes to disappointment I feel it's more prevalent than a lot of other situations you endure.  As an actor, it's my best friend and worst enemy in so many ways. I remember being in situations where I did nothing but tear myself apart to the core, because of that scenario not going the way I had planned. I've learned to cope with this flaw that I have, and I've told myself, on numerous occasions, that I can't be too hard on myself. Life is too short to dwell on the negativity. I'm not perfect. In fact, I've learned to - quoting the title of my blog, and the premise of why I began this blog as well - find solace in knowing you're enough. Hanging picture frames where imperfections exist have been one of the things I strive to remind myself every single day. 

As I mentioned earlier, it can be a person's enemy or best friend. Most of you might be thinking, "How can this be a person's best friend?" I'll tell you why - you care. Yes, you heard me right. It means you care enough to be disappointed. If you didn't feel any sense of discouragement, then maybe you aren't completely devoted to that specific thing you are apart of or working on. Those are the moments I cherish. Part of working towards not beating myself to oblivion over a disappointment, I find myself, relaying in my own head, you care Ben - that's a good thing. 

Just remember: Life is too short. As Heidi would say, "Dance in the Rain Clouds." Be okay that you are upset, embrace the emotion, feel it, and move on. Don't dwell too long, because it's a waste of your energy. Spend that energy on rectifying the situation, not feeding the screw ups.

Epiphanies

Have you ever experienced a day where you felt that multiple epiphanies were hitting you like a ton of bricks all day long? That's how I felt all day today. Part of these discoveries were because of my wonderful, and beautifully talented friend, Corrine Southern. I'm unbelievably blessed to have her in my life, and every time that I am with her I feel like I learn something new. She is an inspiration. Thank you for all that you do. Anyway, I have felt that a tremendous amount of these epiphanies have been more self-discovery, which will never end, I know, but they feel good to experience. I would have to say that they are never planned, as much of life is that way, I just wish I could feel like this more often. I'm cognizant that these are moments I must cherish, so I will. One of these discoveries is my acting abilities growing. As I continue on this journey in the current show that I am in, Suburbia, so many different emotions elude from me. I realize more and more about who I am, and how much more I relate to Jeff. Eric Bogosian is a brillant playwright, and the underlying messages that came to the surface for me tonight were mind-boggling. I'm too excited about this opportunity. I will do this character justice.

Heidi Lynn Adams

I wanted to share something near and dear to my heart with all of you. I lost my best friend last November - it was the hardest thing I had to ever endure. However, I'm seeing the beauty of what came to fruition from that tragic event. I may never have her physically present in my life ever again, but I know that she is always with me in other ways. As I aspire to be an actor, she is apart of my burning passion to do what I know I'm called to do in life. At first, I was aiming to soar, but in my mind that put me on too high of a pedestal. Instead, I've reevaluated what Heidi would truly want to see, with the help of my dear and loving friend and motherly figure, Eileen Koczan. She would want me to enjoy the journey; to dance in the rain clouds. Make each day count. Live to the fullest, and give my absolute best every single day. 


Heidi was a vibrant, fun-loving and beautiful soul. We were, in fact, kindred spirits. I miss her every single day. Going forward, every single show or production that I'm apart of, I'll dedicate opening night to her. I love you, Heidi. 




Here is a link to a beautiful site put together by Heidi's family in memory of her:


http://www.forevermissed.com/heidi-lynn-adams/#about


Also, this was written by Heidi right before her unfortunate demise. I live by this legacy now, and I always will:

Heidi’s Legacy:

This message is to stress in my life: I hate that you have stolen precious moments with my beautiful little girls. When you come hovering over me, I will no longer allow you to take reign. I will hold my children tighter; dance with them in the rain clouds, and let laughter billow in our lives. I pray that my legacy of inward strength will grow through my amazing little ladies. Their lives will be fulfilled with growth and power within themselves. I realize that this comes with a strong mother. I may never be able to give my kids a large amount of “stuff.” What I can give them is great memories that will last them a lifetime. Love that will fill through their being, and tools that will show them how to be good, strong women! 

A Mother's Comfort

I love my mom dearly. She means more to me than words could ever express - maybe a song could, but that's not the point. Ha! Anyway, she's been my rock, strength and guide through so much in the past three years. Thank you so much, Mom. I love you to the moon. The comfort of being in your arms will never be something I will forget. I'm looking forward to the holidays, when I get to wrap my arms around you and enjoy a firm embrace. I miss my Mother's comfort. <3 <3

A New Beginning

My new blog! I'm too excited about beginning this journey. I'm not sure what will come from blogging other than finding solace from it. I do know that it will be very therapeutic, just like my journaling has been. I'm ready. This will be a great way to get my thoughts out, express how I'm feeling - good or bad - and be able to effectively be there for those who are going through the same struggles. I want to be a guide; someone that people can look up to if they need it. I hope that this blog can be here when you need that escape.

The main objective of this blog is to have vivid memories of everything that I go through going forward. I realize that I have my journal for this purpose, too, but I want another source. My journal is also a private place for me, where as this is a public place. However, for the most part, I will be posting the same things here that I do in my journal - I'm an open book - but this will be a fun experience. I've never had a blog, so here goes nothing!

Ben