Remember, Remember the Fourteenth of November

This is a day to reminisce in all of the fond memories I had with my beautiful friend, Heidi. As you all know - if you have been reading my blog - today marks the one year anniversary since the fatal car accident. I wasn't sure how to cope with this tremendous loss in my life, but as this year continued to move forward, her tragic death became much easier to understand.

I'm blessed to have the things that came my way after enduring this event. I thought, at first, that this loss would have adverse effects on me. I was wrong. She has taught me so much this year, and she isn't even physically present in my life anymore! It's quite perplexing to know a kindred spirit left you, but I know she is still there, as a guardian angel.

She was strong, which makes me strong. She was wise, which helps me believe and appreciate my intellect. She was caring and forthcoming to anyone and everyone she crossed paths with, which I find myself to appreciate the value of friendship and family on a much deeper level now. I thank her for everything she helped me realize in my life. Heidi has made me a better person.

As an Actor: I'm confident in my abilities, even though I have and will have doubts. I know you will always be there, cheering me on, being the biggest advocate you always were. I will do what I love, succeed at it, and never let anyone tell me otherwise. I know what my calling is in life, and my burning passion for it only grows larger with each passing day.

I miss our laughter. There are a plethora of times I wish I could call you right up, to tell you amazing news, or get advice from you, because you always knew just the right thing to say. I miss our crying fits we had together, when we just needed that time to vent. I miss when we would argue and get pissed off at each other, because in the end we both knew it wouldn't last long - we loved each other too much. I remember the frivolous, chatty nights we would spend talking about boys and being ridiculous. We never judged each other, maybe poked fun, but never judged.

You are my kindred spirit, Heidi, and always will be. I love you. And I love your daughters equally to pieces. My mantra for life:

Heidi's Legacy:

Busy, Busy, Busy

I would have to say that the past few weeks have had a creative flare attached to them. I've done so much in such a minuscule amount of time, which shows because I've not posted something new in over a month. It's hard to believe a month has past since I had a minute to sit here and write my thoughts out. In fact, it's quite baffling to know that I've been 21 and back from D.C. over a month, too. Man does time fly! Anyway, I've back! And I'm looking forward to updating all of you. Here we go:

I spent the first half of October in rehearsals - lots of rehearsals. I also got to visit and spend time with a good friend, Melissa Loper. It was wonderful to see Loper and be the host for her and her girlfriends, who got married in New York. Yay! These girls were a breath of fresh air amongst my busy schedule, so I tried to cram an excessive amount of activities into a small amount of time. The Friday night they arrived, we went to the restaurant my roommate works at on Federal Hill - a world renowned street that tourist come from all over the world to see - called Sienna. It was a great place to spend the first night and enjoy authentic italian food and drinks together. The next day we went to Boston and spent the day. Anytime I have a chance to go to Boston or New York, I take it, so I was completely enthralled by the idea of making a day of it. We saw a good chunk of downtown and I took them to Legal Harborside, a seafood restaurant that I thoroughly enjoyed the first time I went, but they weren't too impressed with it. Oh well! Next time I'll try a new place. After we came back to Providence that evening, I took them to the last Waterfire of the season - boy was I lucky, because I love to show Waterfire to anyone who comes to town. They loved it! I was glad they did, it made up for a lousy dinner at Legal. However, the next morning, I redeemed myself by taking them to Julian's on Broadway. I LOVE Julian's, so I figured they would, too. I also knew the menu catered to vegan eaters and food allergies, and Loper was the first person that came to my mind when I discovered this restaurant months ago. It was a great weekend. I'm hoping I can entertain them again someday in the future.

Loper and I made the trip back to Kansas this week. I spent under 24 hours in Kansas - that was the fastest trip through my hometown I have ever taken. It was a pleasant drive, though. We got to stop, briefly, in New Haven so I could see Yale's campus. If I could attend Yale for my M.F.A. in Acting, I would. Auditioning for that school is something I am contemplating, we'll see what I decide to do once my senior year roles around at RIC.  After we left New Haven, we drove to Pennsylvania and stopped for the night, even though we almost got lost in New York with very little gas - long story! Haha. Once we woke up, we hit the road immediately, making our way to Chicago. Loper has two good friends in Chicago who are writers, and they wanted us to read two plays they're working on so we were all for the idea and a place to crash for the night. As we were driving I enjoyed the colorful and vehement scenery of Pennsylvania and Ohio. With it being autumn, the trees and hilly mountain passes we drove through made the first half of the trek bearable, which wasn't the case for Iowa and Missouri, at all. Ugh, I don't miss driving through those two states. And Loper is a force to be reckoned with when she wants to be home, especially after driving 24 hours to get there - that was a very humorous scene to watch.

These next few weeks are going to be just as busy with rehearsals for my next show and Legally Blonde going on simultaneously. Bring it on!

Ta ta for now. Until next time...

Washington D.C.

I have a new appreciation for my country after visiting the capital this past weekend. My profile photo on Facebook is of me staring out the window at the capital building from the Library of Congress. The saying, "A picture is worth a thousand words" is unbelievably true. The experience as a whole was very uplifting, but the library alone moved me to tears when I walked in . I have no words for the emotion I endured - it was such a vibrant place to be standing in. I'm a proud American.

I miss D.C. terribly. I'll be returning in January for the presidential inauguration, though. I can't wait! Peter and Tom were absolute gems, the best hosts anyone could have asked for. I had a blast! Thank you for everything you two!

On another note: Busy couple of weeks ahead. Let's go! I'll have a longer blog post soon, I promise.

David Patrick Green

I met a professional actor by the name of David Patrick Green months ago who has worked on a few major series such as ER, Battlestar Galactica, CSI, etc. He is one individual that definitely gave me the inspirational push I needed to move forward with my Acting career. We spent an hour and a half chatting tonight, and I can honestly say I'm too thrilled about joining his site, HackHollywood. This decision cultivated from an idea, into a serious consideration, in a matter of a few months. David took the time to explain to me, in a brief overview, the business -- the professional acting business. Thank you, David, for giving me your time. I'm excited to see what awaits me as I go through this new material available to me. Let's get started!

On another note: Legally Blonde is going well! Can't wait for the final product in just a short month. Things are where they should be. I'm very blessed and truly thankful.

The Next Step

Last night was the conclusion of SubUrbia. I cannot believe it has come to a close so quickly - very bittersweet. As that chapter closes, I find myself reminiscing in the fond memories I've created with the cast, crew and directors. They will be surely missed. I hate goodbyes, so it isn't a "Goodbye" only "See you later." On to the next project - Legally Blonde! 

I have to say that today I feel content, a feeling I try to continue having, because, to me, this is true happiness. Internal peace with what the present holds. We can control only one thing, and that's the present, so I'm here embracing every moment of it. 

Looking back on this year, I'm amazed at what I've gone through in such a short amount of time. This year has truly been a test of my faith in my ability to plow through the wreckage. From beginning the year with no hope, the idea of what I was going to possibly do about work, a place to live, and waiting for a year to pass to return to RIC seemed so insufferable. Now, seven months later - I can't believe I'm saying that - I've made it through. Personally, I've grown-up so much. Between truly finding myself - which is a continuing project in some ways - and becoming more independent, and being okay with it, which has always been a struggle for me, I've found a groove that won't be tampered with. I'm on fire, and I'm ready to tackle my return to RIC. Let's do this! Four months left. 

Peace of Mind

I watched Eat Pray Love today for probably the tenth time. I am in love with this movie - a lot like how obsessed I am with Harry Potter, but more of that on a later date. Anyhoodles, the reason for choosing V Day - for those of you who don't know, this is a holiday that no one knows about except those known as Rhode Islanders - to watch this movie was due to a conversation I had last night with my friend, Amberlee Perry. We discussed politics, life, spiritual growth and practice, and the meaning of understanding fundamental truth.

Although I've known Amberlee for a brief period of time, I feel that our friendship blossomed last night into something much more than just a platonic and mediocre relationship. I would say, without a doubt, that this relationship is something we both can cultivate from. I look forward to continual heart-to-heart conversations with her in the future. Thank you, Amberlee, for being in my life, because you continue to teach me just as much as I teach you.

Today has been a mundane type of day for me. I'm being productive, though... or at least trying to be. I'm about to continue reading an autobiography by a profound man by the name of Howard Jacobson. He has, and will always be, an inspiration. This man is the epitome of what it means to be successful in the correct and healthy way. "Success is found within." - I read that once somewhere, and I loved it. Another saying, that I came up with, that really describes this man, is the simple philosophy that "It's not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens that makes the difference." In other words, "Being proactive, instead of reactive." - I can't take credit for that one. Howard expressed this phrase, and I loved it, too.

Since we are on the topic of profound people, I must give a shout out to one of my best friends, Robert Anthony, because he deserves some recognition. I would not be here today if it weren't for him, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. He has stuck by me through rock bottom, and for that I'm eternally grateful for his generosity, compassion, and patience with me. Thank you, Robert! I look forward to our New York shenanigans in October.

In light of mentioning Eat Pray Love, I felt that I should quote a monologue from the movie that is tremendously moving, so here it is!:

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum Octavian. Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked around at this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation." - Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

Contentment

Today is a day to reminisce in feeling accomplished. I have a plethora of projects that I am working on, but for this moment I'm content. Things are beginning to turn around, mold themselves into something magnificent, and take shape. I'm truly looking forward to the next few months, as I embark on the journey to finish this year.

I cannot believe 2012 is dwindling to an end, and I find myself not trapped, not angry, not disappointed, but simply appeased by my tenacity. Although things have been excruciatingly hard for me in the past year, I have nothing to say in lieu of those events except that I'm grateful for them, because without pain, without suffering and heartache, without knowing who you are and not being insecure, I would not be in the place I am currently at. God knows and is apart of me. I thank him everyday of my life - or at least try to - and I have to remember that I'm on a path that's been set for me. I will enjoy this journey, or at least make the best of it. I know what my calling is, so Ben, let's take it for what it's worth!

I have to remember what this feels like, because this is how life should be lived. Each day counts. Not tomorrow, or the next day. And definitely not yesterday, or even last year. Today. That is all you have control over, so embrace it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

SubUrbia opens in a week from Friday and it's hard to believe - it feels like just yesterday when we began rehearsals. I've had such an amazing run with these folks. I hate to see it end. I've grown closer with each person in the cast and they feel like family to me. I will miss them when it's time to say goodbye, that's the negative thing about theatre... Thank you for everything guys. It's partially because of all of you that I feel so accomplished today. I've grown so much as an actor and person, too, with you guys, and I feel you all deserve some recognition for that. So thanks - for everything. Come see SubUrbia! It's an amazing show with such an unbelievably talented cast, directed by a talented actor himself. You don't want to miss this!

Disappointment

We all have had it. Let's face it - it's there. That void which sits at the pit of your stomach and slowly creeps to the surface? Yeah, that one. Where you start to cry uncontrollably. This is true about a lot of things, but when it comes to disappointment I feel it's more prevalent than a lot of other situations you endure.  As an actor, it's my best friend and worst enemy in so many ways. I remember being in situations where I did nothing but tear myself apart to the core, because of that scenario not going the way I had planned. I've learned to cope with this flaw that I have, and I've told myself, on numerous occasions, that I can't be too hard on myself. Life is too short to dwell on the negativity. I'm not perfect. In fact, I've learned to - quoting the title of my blog, and the premise of why I began this blog as well - find solace in knowing you're enough. Hanging picture frames where imperfections exist have been one of the things I strive to remind myself every single day. 

As I mentioned earlier, it can be a person's enemy or best friend. Most of you might be thinking, "How can this be a person's best friend?" I'll tell you why - you care. Yes, you heard me right. It means you care enough to be disappointed. If you didn't feel any sense of discouragement, then maybe you aren't completely devoted to that specific thing you are apart of or working on. Those are the moments I cherish. Part of working towards not beating myself to oblivion over a disappointment, I find myself, relaying in my own head, you care Ben - that's a good thing. 

Just remember: Life is too short. As Heidi would say, "Dance in the Rain Clouds." Be okay that you are upset, embrace the emotion, feel it, and move on. Don't dwell too long, because it's a waste of your energy. Spend that energy on rectifying the situation, not feeding the screw ups.

Epiphanies

Have you ever experienced a day where you felt that multiple epiphanies were hitting you like a ton of bricks all day long? That's how I felt all day today. Part of these discoveries were because of my wonderful, and beautifully talented friend, Corrine Southern. I'm unbelievably blessed to have her in my life, and every time that I am with her I feel like I learn something new. She is an inspiration. Thank you for all that you do. Anyway, I have felt that a tremendous amount of these epiphanies have been more self-discovery, which will never end, I know, but they feel good to experience. I would have to say that they are never planned, as much of life is that way, I just wish I could feel like this more often. I'm cognizant that these are moments I must cherish, so I will. One of these discoveries is my acting abilities growing. As I continue on this journey in the current show that I am in, Suburbia, so many different emotions elude from me. I realize more and more about who I am, and how much more I relate to Jeff. Eric Bogosian is a brillant playwright, and the underlying messages that came to the surface for me tonight were mind-boggling. I'm too excited about this opportunity. I will do this character justice.

Heidi Lynn Adams

I wanted to share something near and dear to my heart with all of you. I lost my best friend last November - it was the hardest thing I had to ever endure. However, I'm seeing the beauty of what came to fruition from that tragic event. I may never have her physically present in my life ever again, but I know that she is always with me in other ways. As I aspire to be an actor, she is apart of my burning passion to do what I know I'm called to do in life. At first, I was aiming to soar, but in my mind that put me on too high of a pedestal. Instead, I've reevaluated what Heidi would truly want to see, with the help of my dear and loving friend and motherly figure, Eileen Koczan. She would want me to enjoy the journey; to dance in the rain clouds. Make each day count. Live to the fullest, and give my absolute best every single day. 


Heidi was a vibrant, fun-loving and beautiful soul. We were, in fact, kindred spirits. I miss her every single day. Going forward, every single show or production that I'm apart of, I'll dedicate opening night to her. I love you, Heidi. 




Here is a link to a beautiful site put together by Heidi's family in memory of her:


http://www.forevermissed.com/heidi-lynn-adams/#about


Also, this was written by Heidi right before her unfortunate demise. I live by this legacy now, and I always will:

Heidi’s Legacy:

This message is to stress in my life: I hate that you have stolen precious moments with my beautiful little girls. When you come hovering over me, I will no longer allow you to take reign. I will hold my children tighter; dance with them in the rain clouds, and let laughter billow in our lives. I pray that my legacy of inward strength will grow through my amazing little ladies. Their lives will be fulfilled with growth and power within themselves. I realize that this comes with a strong mother. I may never be able to give my kids a large amount of “stuff.” What I can give them is great memories that will last them a lifetime. Love that will fill through their being, and tools that will show them how to be good, strong women! 

A Mother's Comfort

I love my mom dearly. She means more to me than words could ever express - maybe a song could, but that's not the point. Ha! Anyway, she's been my rock, strength and guide through so much in the past three years. Thank you so much, Mom. I love you to the moon. The comfort of being in your arms will never be something I will forget. I'm looking forward to the holidays, when I get to wrap my arms around you and enjoy a firm embrace. I miss my Mother's comfort. <3 <3

A New Beginning

My new blog! I'm too excited about beginning this journey. I'm not sure what will come from blogging other than finding solace from it. I do know that it will be very therapeutic, just like my journaling has been. I'm ready. This will be a great way to get my thoughts out, express how I'm feeling - good or bad - and be able to effectively be there for those who are going through the same struggles. I want to be a guide; someone that people can look up to if they need it. I hope that this blog can be here when you need that escape.

The main objective of this blog is to have vivid memories of everything that I go through going forward. I realize that I have my journal for this purpose, too, but I want another source. My journal is also a private place for me, where as this is a public place. However, for the most part, I will be posting the same things here that I do in my journal - I'm an open book - but this will be a fun experience. I've never had a blog, so here goes nothing!

Ben